I HAD SUCH A FIERY TEMPER

 
After we went to live at Meherabad, the atmosphere around Baba changed completely. We had had so much freedom with Baba and now we had to realize that the time of freedom and of just loving Baba and expressing that love outwardly was over, giving way to a period of obedience and of feeling Baba inwardly.

We knew Baba loved us just as much as ever, even though he didn't express that love. And he used all the clashes and misunderstandings that arose to work out our moods. Sometimes differences were compounded by language difficulties. Other times there would be clashes among the westerners because of wanting to do certain things in certain ways.

And if Baba found things going too smoothly among the westerners and easterners, he created a situation to see how we'd stand up to it. I call that the "boiling jam" period: when jam is boiling, there's a certain point at which the froth comes to the surface and it has to be removed before the jam is pure and edible. Baba would point out this "froth" to us, but we were the ones who had to remove it. When we had altercations, Baba would make us see and hear ourselves. In time, and with his infinite patience, we learned that our shortcomings must be faced and removed, no matter how painful the process.

But it took a long, long time to boil that "jam." I've now reached the stage where I don't fly into a temper. I can get annoyed about something, but I'm always sorry afterwards. In those days I was never sorry; I'd just be annoyed. Everyone in the ashram was aware that I had a temper. Baba had to get that out of my system, and the only way was for me to work it out on others, and then hear myself and learn to control that temper. That's what Baba did with all of us. It was difficult for me at first, because I hadn't realized I had such a fiery temper. But Baba brought it all out.