THE CRY OF OUR HEART
As the day passed, she yearned and yearned and prayed that she be given a glimpse of Baba. She didn't tell us what was going through her mind; we weren't aware of her great longing, her yearning to see Baba in physical form. But her longing was so great that one day, as she was sitting here in Mandali Hall, she saw Beloved Baba sitting in the chair. She was overwhelmed with joy, but at the same time, it seemed so natural for Baba to be there that she didn't call out. She didn't say anything, she just took it for granted that Baba was sitting in His chair.
I didn't know any of this. The days passed and one day I told the story about the garland [a man at a darshan program wanted a garland from Baba's neck so bad, that Baba gave it to him]. The girl who had the vision of Baba started thinking about it and became depressed. This was just before the group was due to return, and on their last day I suddenly found this girl crying. "What's the matter, Jane?" I asked, thinking to myself that she's probably crying because she's sad to be leaving here. But she looks up and blurts out, "I should have asked for love. I should have asked for love."
"What are you talking about?" I asked, and then she told me the whole story. That, just as that man had wanted a garland and Baba had given him one, so too she had asked Baba for a glimpse of Himself and He had given her that glimpse. "But if I only had asked Him for love," she said, "then He would have given me that. Why did I ask for so little?"
If God never granted us our desires, it wouldn't matter much what we longed for. It is because He does give us what we ask for with all our hearts that we must be so careful. Of course, this is just words. We can say we want love, but it is not what we say that Baba listens to, but what our heart cries out. We may think we want to love Baba, but if we really wanted to love Him, He would give us this love. He is more anxious to give us the gift of love than we are to receive it. That is a fact.
We may say we want to love Him, but we really want to love ourselves. That is why we are still here. That is why I am still Eruch. If I truly wanted to love the Lord, I wouldn't be Eruch any longer, and I wouldn't be talking about love for Him.
But even if we can't honestly long for love, we can long to long for love. That much is always open to us. If our prayers for love are insincere and mechanical, we can at least pray to become more sincere when we pray. If we cannot run towards the Lord, at least we can walk, and if we cannot walk, we can crawl. And even if we cannot crawl, we can pray for the ability, someday, to be able to crawl. And we may find, to our surprise, that even crawling is not necessary, because the Lord Himself has come to us and is carrying us on His back.
THAT'S HOW IT WAS, pp. 215-217
1995 © Avatar Meher Baba Perpetual Public Charitable Trust