JOURNEY OUT OF DARKNESS

If God, as I had learned, could actually descend to earth as a human being, then what possible significance could that hold for me personally? The Rileys had told scores of people about Meher Baba, but it had not meant anything to most of them. Then why did it mean so much to me? Why did it grab hold of me like this? I didn't know. It seemed as if I had found myself suddenly caught in a great web of some sort. And Phyllis seemed altogether willing to remain with me in that web, and clearly she did thoroughly enjoy the company of Tom and Yvonne, who by now had become our shining mentors in quest of that wondrous path to the Divine Light.

Tom continued seriously encouraging me to go to India, but I felt hesitant. I knew not what to do but go on learning evermore about this Avatar, now growing in my mind to ever greater proportions. It was daily consuming me.

Phyllis' interest, I observed, was cooler than mine, and yet she read me everything we could get our hands on about Meher Baba.

Both of us were crazy about being with the Rileys. By now, we hardly saw anyone else. We had become what was called 'Baba followers.' This was our life now. And all of Woodstock was wondering what it was we had taken up.

I had become initiated into a whole new idea, the idea that all of life shared one great purpose. It was the same goal for one and all — to experience consciously the same ultimate Reality which was God. It meant actually to become Infinite, and I learned it was possible for one to become infinitely conscious by overcoming the finite limitations of one's own mind. But wasn't that impossible?

I got to wondering, without this thinking mind, who would I be, what would I be? Whatever it was, was I ready for that? It was frightening, the whole idea of giving up my mind. While in possession of this thinking ego-mind, I could think I was somebody. Without it, what would I be? Would I then be just a floating sea of consciousness; infinite consciousness without limits of any kind, without structure or form or definition? My painter's mind recoiled at such a thought.

I wasn't pulled in the least to this idea of formlessness. I was attracted only to the idea of Meher Baba, a wonderful, living, all-knowing person. I felt drawn to Meher Baba by some magnetic force. It was simply the Man I was seeking. His infinite knowledge of the Infinite would suffice for me. I would just have faith and confidence in that unlimited knowledge He possessed. This would be enough. I could believe in Meher Baba more than I could believe in the Infinite, far more, in fact. Meher Baba lured my mind, but the idea of being swallowed into Infinite Consciousness baffled and repelled it. All my instincts were telling me I needed the form of Meher Baba, not the formless.

All my life I had wanted to understand why Christ lived two thousand years ago instead of in this time, when a world savior seemed so needed. So many times I had wondered why had I not lived at the time of Jesus? Then I might have been blessed to meet Him.

Now, all of a sudden, I was being presented with that possibility. To come in contact with the Living Christ would indeed constitute an astounding miracle of the heart. For some reason I felt rather timid to ask Phyllis whether she saw all this as I did. Was she feeling also the redemptive power of Meher Baba's presence on earth? I hesitated to ask her. Perhaps we were already established enough in this Truth, being so close now with Yvonne and Tom. We had found our spiritual connection to Meher Baba through them. Now at last I had some understanding what was really meant by the term, 'born again.'